Instead of hitting the roads and just go somewhere this long weekend, my wife Quennie and I decided to stay at home. Slept at more than half of our Saturday and Sunday, we can’t figure out where to go. We’re originally planning to visit Quennie’s hometown in Lobo, Batangas but the pain from my surgery to remove my impacted wisdom tooth last Friday seems to be taking toll on me. Also, the dentist who performed the surgery advised that I should avoid doing long drives as the open wound needs time for healing. There’s also a battle if we should be going to church or not. So here I am; sitting at our dining table, sipping the ice-cold coffee my beautiful wife prepared, and trying to eat all the remaining macaroni and cheese that I just cooked one night (which my wife said too salty *laughs*).
Who knows? We may be able to figure out later where to spend the remaining day of this long weekend. We may follow our original plan of driving to Batangas or just go somewhere else. Regardless of where we’ll be going, a certain name kept on flashing on my mind:
Strange. I’m trying to know why in the world I suddenly remembered her name. You heard it right. Marvel Zane is a girl; and I just realized that it’s her birthday. Although not exactly, how special of her that I somehow find her day close to my heart. I don’t know if she knows that I think of her. I don’t even know if she’ll be reading this, but anyway, I still try to write something for her; words that just overflows from my heart.
My Dearest Marvel Zane,
I wonder how you looked like already. I think you became more beautiful than ever. I even wonder how it was on your current place. Also if you’re still aware that I’m writing this to you. We’re supposed to be celebrating your special day together and I miss you so much. It seems like it’s been years already.
But it’s just a month. One month to be exact.
There’s a cake with your name on it along with a home-cooked pasta for a meal despite knowing that you can’t even eat all of those. But despite that, we’ll just have fun and sing “Happy Birthday” together: You, your mom, and I; along with some of your aunties, uncles, and your friends-to-be. Nevertheless, I’ll be buying that same cake; and try to cook something. Maybe not pasta. But honestly, everything is different now from what it’s supposed to be.
You’re not with us anymore.
No matter how we cry, or how liters of tears we shed. No matter how often we pray or how loud we shout. No matter how much we want to turn back time to make everything different; and no matter how much we want you back, it cannot be.
I know that you’re in a much better place now. It’s just that we’re missing you so bad. It feels like we’re robbed that fateful day we lost you. The wound on our heart from a month ago still seemed so fresh whenever we remember you. We’re still wondering why did it happened to us or even what have we done wrong for this to happen? Most of the time I want to get mad. Of all the pain I’ve experienced, losing you is the most unbearable up to now.
But I know the LORD is still good.
That I know you’re up there and celebrating with Him.
There are many times I want to forget about you or the pain of losing you. But the more I try, the more I realize that I can’t. I may not be able to fully move on in this lifetime, but in the LORD’s right time, we will.
Always remember that we’ll always love you… your mom and I. That you’ll always be our princess, our angel, and our child that got away.
You got it right. Marvel Zane is the name of our unborn daughter. Marvel is a French word that means “miracle” and Zane is a Hebrew name that means “God is gracious.” She died a day after my wife was admitted to the hospital due to pre-eclampsia. But officially came out of her mom’s womb three days later which is exactly a month ago. I may still feel relieved that my wife didn’t suffered with much more complications, but there are much more wound in us that needs more healing. Something not seen on the outside.
We’re trying to put our life back on-track. I’m already back at work while Quennie is still on-leave good for two months. Honestly, we still don’t know what our next big step is. Yet, within the frame of my wife’s leave, we’re planning to somehow go from one place to another. From time to time, I’m taking her to my field works and dates to some places around Manila to help her (and me) cope up and to avoid isolating herself. I also re-enrolled back to graduate school and decided to try doing my thesis to graduate. So one at a time, we’re taking our small steps to moving on. As much as we want to rush it like what people around us are expecting, I honestly cannot give a definite timeline on when will we be fully recovered from this pain. Only God knows.
By the way, I never expected that losing my child will lead me in writing my very first blog post here. Well, as my dear Pastor Nolan is saying to me, “This is a time for growth.”
So soon enough, we will.
Let this very first post be the start of it.
Read more about the story our Marvel Zane by clicking on these links:
Next: Marvel Zane – vol. 2