Most of our thoughts revolved around these phrases each day:
“She’s supposed to be born this month.”
Yes. Apparently, October is her supposedly due month. But this marks the 3rd month of our daughter being born… in heaven.
Anytime now, we’re supposed to go home from the hospital carrying our bundle of joy in our arms. Instead, we go home empty-handed and feels defeated in life. My wife being back to work instead of this month just being the start of her maternity leave. Also, instead of buying cute dresses and onesies like what usual parents do, we’re buying flowers and candles then visit the place where she was buried. That it’s us who ended up crying instead of just hearing her cry.
If Marvel Zane would’ve lived 3 months ago, maybe we’ll see her grow up. We’ll know whom she really looked like (I can say she got my good looks… LOL!). Also, maybe she can see and recognize us already. If she wants to be snuggled, she’ll start looking for her dada; and if she needs food, she’ll look for her momma (LOL!). After that, she may also know how to smile and laugh or start learning how to crawl. Now I wonder how it feels like seeing her that way?
Sad to say that I’ll never know it.
That I’m going to live the rest of my life wondering about these “what-ifs” and will never know the answer. That life of asking the question “of all people, why us?” or even “did we do something wrong?” while desperately wanting to know the answer right away. I know that it’s wrong to think this way, but I sometimes wonder if God is really there for us?
I know that I’ve been oversharing a lot about it on this blog.
Now, this is the third installment of how we’re going through this loss. There are times wherein I’m already out of words to say. But for me, writing here is the only way to document “where we are right now” in this aspect of our lives (my wife and I) in similar manner as when we’re travelling.
If you’d read all my (our) travel adventures, you know that I also include all our misadventures along the way. That’s how honest I am when writing. It’s a little absurd actually, but hey! It works.
I’ve actually read a blog post from Pam Marasigan about living the life after a child loss. Imagine a horizontal line being drawn going to the right. This is us trying to live our “normal lives” as other people sees us. But suddenly triggered and reminded of our loss then the line goes down to the lowest point possible yet still going to the right. We try putting our lives back on track then suddenly go down because we remembered it again.
To describe how it is, it is worse… but life still goes on.
Some people usually sees us and is expecting us to get back to that horizontal and normal life.
Yet, it seemed like it’s getting worse each day.
There are days wherein we get triggered by insensitive people at our respective workplaces. Some talk about their living children around us (or myself) when it feels like they’re just rubbing our loss on our faces. Others are also being reckless about what they’re saying to us: emphasized that we don’t have our child at home like what happened to us was a great thing in the first place.
I fully understand that the only people who really cared about our Marvel Zane are us. That at the end of the day, only us, her parents had connection to her. My wife in much more particular given that she carried our daughter for six (6) months. But what’s making me cringe more is the fact that we had to grieve faster as what they expect of us given that “life goes on.”
Thus, giving us thoughts of leaving this place for good.
There are days wherein we just want to migrate to another country to start a new life and leave all toxic people here. To go at a place where people seemed to not know us. Or maybe we need a new environment to grow. We’re longing for a moment wherein a country will offer my wife and I opportunities to work and live there. Sometimes we just want to go back to Sydney and stay there for good. Maybe not Sydney, as long as far away from here; we’re good.
Needless to say, we’re fully aware that no matter place we go, if we have this wounds, then we’ll still feel the same way. So we’re just doing our best to commit ourselves in staying on this place with the same people we want to leave. In case that we’re destined to go to another country, then we’ll take our peace with us.
Still, we decided to never back down.
Although honestly, our child loss also starting to take toll on our marriage. It started to affect all plans that we had in our minds. Also, my wife and I started fighting and quarreling against each other when in fact, it’s us who should be contending for each other. Each day is becoming much more complicated that it affected our intimacy with each other.
After all these bone-wrecking moments, we’re still standing and surviving.
In the past, we had much worse quarrels which almost lead to break-up. But, we decided to keep it going like our usual choice through the years of being together.
We believe that we’ll get through this.
As what Pastor Chad Veach said during the Saturday worship service we attended in Hillsong Sydney, “We need to be committed on staying rather than leaving.” Also, as what my Pastor Nolan said last Sunday on our evening service, “If everything seems to not going right, we need to keep going.”
So it’s really a huge help that my wife and I had dinner with our pastors: Nolan and Jay to talk about us attending some counselling sessions. Also, we look forward on the day that there would be less crying for us; less fear and anxiety.
That all these shall be replaced by joy.
Read more about the story of our Marvel Zane by clicking on these links:
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